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Dear Gay Best Friend,
How does one break up with a man that one is not even casually dating? Let me explain. The guy in question is my sister’s nephew-in-law, her sister-in-law’s son (55). All family activities are held at my sister’s house (her pool is larger than mine). This guy’s family members are constantly trying to MAKE me not only go out but MARRY him. Why, one might ask? Simply, I am 43, post divorce 20 years and have not been in a serious relationship since 2005. Further, I am a single mom with 2 kids 17 and 19 away at university, and am a homeowner with an empty nest.
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This man corners me at every family event for hours until I just excuse myself. I show him no emotions that I am interested. No flirting. I even make it impossible for him to sit next to me. He just counters and sits on the floor blocking my freedom staring at me. No conversation, nothing. I if move, he follows. He followed me to the bathroom once. He calls my sister’s house everyday to see if I am there. If I am he asks to speak to me. If I refuse, he jumps in MOMMY’S car and rushes over to force conversation. I leave. I do not return his phone calls. I do not accept his gifts.
This man has the audacity to show up at the movie theater every Friday night because he KNOWS that is where I go for family night with my boys. I have asked him to stop calling to no avail. I changed my number. I have asked him to stop the gifts of bootlegged properties but he leaves gifts at sis’s. I have done nothing to lead this man to my path. He is obsessed with photos texted to him by my sister, my brother-in-law, and his mother. I have told him those photos were not sent by me. It is awful, unwanted, unwarranted photos of me taken without my permission. Some are swimsuit shots, butt shots, shots with my back ALWAYS to the camera doing ordinary things. Some might find these photos provocative, I am fit and look much younger than I am. However, I do not pose for these photos, and I protest their submission. My relatives know that I do not like this man and this man knows that I want no further contact. Sometimes, I don’t go to the family events just to avoid him.
I do not want to get a restraining order because that would cause a family schism with the in-law set. I have face to face refused his offers. My kids have refused his expensive gifts. I am sorry his family has romanticized some relationship for him but I told him I am not the originator of the photos. I have told him that he WAS a family friend but I CHOOSE to not interact with him at all to remove any doubt that there is any implied relationship. He accused me of hiding from him. I told him I was not hiding but totally avoiding his contact because I am not interested. He was mad and still is. He still calls my sister frequently, daily just to see if “I am doing ok, and oh, by the way, is she there, if she is don’t tell her I called, don’t tell her I am coming over.”
Maybe it is not his fault that his relatives have fed him wrongly obtained information. Private information. Detailed information that could possibly make someone INFER that a relationship is possible and maybe even casually exists…. It is not MY fault. I read your publications and the comments to well posed questions. Most think the answer to my question is don’t return the calls or text. I did an in person break up to someone I was not even dating. I changed my number as well as email address. I even closed out with YouTube and facebook. I cannot ask my brother-in-law who was my brother-in-law (65) before I was born to ban his nephew anymore than I can end a relationship with my sister (65).
I do not wish to get a restraining order either. I did that option against the 25 year old son of my next door neighbor after repeatedly asking my neighbor to speak to her son about his stalking and unwanted advances from a child. Big mistake. When I found him sleeping on my deck, I called the authorities, he was arrested, making some of my neighbors mad at me. His reasoning was that he was returning some ‘important misplaced mail’ to me and that he didn’t want to get in trouble for ‘messing’ with my mailbox so he went to sleep waiting on my property for me to return. He hung himself when he told the court that I was not married and that I spent 2 hours a day by my pool in a bikini swimming and grilling on purpose. Plus, my home is surrounded by privacy fencing (You would need binoculars or a spy cam because our properties are not close together).
No, I am not looking for woe is me, yada, yada,…etc. I would like to know from a male standpoint what words would make a man understand that:
1. I do not want to ever pursue a relationship with you
2. We can not even be family friends because you would misconstrue this
3. I avoid contact with you to basically to keep you from being mad at me