Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Ok, I will try to get to the point. I have been in a relationship with this girl for two years now. I have a daughter who is 12-years old, and her son is 3-years old. We get along so great, when she really acts right. But, our sex life is difficult! When we’re at it, it’s the best in the world, but why is it so hard to get?
I feel like I’m not attractive enough, or I don’t meet any type of expectations she has. But, I’m supposed to be the best. Hell, I give her the love business and the thug business, and my tongue is beyond mystical, kinda Holy Ghost style. LOL! But, I just don’t understand. I’m always chasing her, doing for her and her son. I go completely out of my way and I sacrifice everything, and I can’t get a thank you, or, “You’re the best and let me do you good tonight.” I don’t even get, “You’re my everything.” I gets nothing, but let something bad happen and I’m all that because I fix the problem. I don’t wanna go another year frustrated thinking she really wants me and I find out this has been all lies. Her son calls me daddy and he don’t even do it for the real one. Man, I’ve done everything, and communication just ain’t it. I’ve spoken, demanded, and I’m tired! What the devil should I do? – Getting Tired Of My Girl
Dear Mr. Getting Tired Of My Girl,
Okay, so you’ve been with your girl for two years and she doesn’t appreciate you or anything you do. Hmmm, by my estimate and the reviewing of your letter I think you may need to strap up your Jordan’s and leap up out of there. Sorry, dude, but if she doesn’t make you feel like the man in the relationship, then why are you there?
Look, just because YOU may feel you are sexing her really good, and giving her the business with your Holy Ghost tongue, it’s obvious she doesn’t feel the same. And, homeboy, I don’t think she’s speaking in tongues, and she’s definitely not thrilled and excited as you think she is. I mean you did state that the sex is hard to get. And, nor does she desire to set you off something proper for all the sacrificing and going out of your way for her and her son that you do. If your sex game is like you say it is, then she wouldn’t get enough of it, right? You’re up here hyping yourself up like you’re Mr. Marcus, but I think you need to let the cheerleaders do their job. And, it looks as if the captain of YOUR cheer team is absent.
I am a big proponent that if your mate is not supportive, encouraging, empowering, or lifting you up then it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. And, with all that you claim you’re doing for your girl and her son with no appreciation, then what’s keeping you around?
I have said this time and time again, you can’t be in a relationship with someone and have a tit for tat mentality. If you love her and her son, and you truly don’t mind doing things for them, then don’t expect a thank you, or a big celebratory party. Sometimes you have to be your own and biggest cheerleader. Love is not about boasting of what you’re doing, and how much of it you’re doing. It’s about genuinely giving of yourself and not expecting anything in return. But, I feel you my brother, if every time she calls you it’s because something is wrong and she wants you to fix it, and she can’t say thank you, or do something nice for you, then boo boo, you better be out. Sorry. But, I wouldn’t be sticking around trying to prove to someone how much of a good boyfriend I am, and neither should you.
You say that you’ve communicated to her about it, and expressed how it makes you feel, yet she hasn’t done anything about it. And, you say you’ve even demanded it. Still no results. Well, let me break this down for you Mr. Too-Tight-Underoos. You teach people how to treat you. And, you’ve done a thorough job of teaching your girl how to treat you. She doesn’t respect you, or care about you. She doesn’t appreciate you, or the efforts you make.
Take a few days off, or a month or two. See if she appreciates you when you’re not around. If she calls you, and it’s only because she needs you for something, or to resolve some issue, then you know she is only using you and doesn’t think of you as a man, but a problem solver. She better call Channel 2 Eyewitness News. If she is only calling to get money, or to take her some place or to do something, then my naïve brother, you are being P-L-A-Y-E-D.
But, let me ask you this, Mr. Magic Tongue, do you give your girl compliments? Do you tell her how much you appreciate her? Or, do you even lift her up or encourage her? If you don’t, then why do you expect for her to do it for you? Again, I don’t agree with the tit for tat mentality, but I wouldn’t be surprised that if you don’t do it, then she isn’t. And, I want you to know something, so lean in a little closer to this computer screen and hear me say this, “People are mirror reflections of ourselves. You attract that which you are.”
I’m concerned because you stated in your letter that you don’t feel attractive, or that you don’t think you meet her expectations. Soooooo, are they her expectations, or yours? And, your evaluation of yourself and how you feel about yourself sounds like you lack some self-esteem. If you don’t think you’re worthy, valuable, or attractive, then guess what, no one else will either.
Look, Mr. Getting Tired Of My Girl, you’ve given her two years and it doesn’t appear she appreciates it or you. Or, perhaps it’s because she knows you’ll always be around and she doesn’t feel the need to make you feel special, appreciated, or loved. Now, if this isn’t what you signed up for, or you don’t like where it’s going, then leave. She is not going to change, well, not until you change how you feel about yourself. I strongly suggest you start practicing telling yourself a daily mantra, “I’m an attractive man and people are attracted to me. I’m lovable and deserve love. I’m intelligent, smart, and capable and people appreciate me.” Yes, you need to do some of that Tina Turner Buddha chanting and get into yourself. Stop beating yourself up, and especially stop allowing others to do it. And, as Fantasia sang in her song, I’m Doing Me –
Gave him/her my heart my time
Did all that I could in the past to keep him/her here with me, yeah
But now I woke up, Opened both my eyes up
Realize that I don’t need any other.
Man/Girl, if you can’t love me equally,
Then you don’t need to be with me
Nothing more beautiful then knowing you’re worth
And finally, I know exactly what I deserve
Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!